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Dear Stepfamily Strategist:

My husband and I have been under a lot of financial pressure since he lost his job and I lost hours at work. We are behind on child support and his ex-wife complains about the balance owed as if he is intentionally not paying her so that we look bad to the kids who are 12 and 9. He seldom stands up to her and it drives me crazy and I get angry when he acts like a licorice stick. We have not been intimate in weeks and I recently found pornography links on the computer. I feel betrayed and want out but we have a four year old son and I am pregnant.

Feeling Fat and Unhappy

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Dear Unhappy:

You have shared several areas of heartache. First, it would help you to reduce your stress during pregnancy. Some stress is normal during pregnancy, but now is the time to trust him to handle the situation with his ex-wife as he sees fit. If you are having difficulty giving him the space to deal with his ex-wife, it could be worth examining the amount of control you might have asserted in days gone by and make adjustments for the future. Your focus would be well directed toward relaxing your body for both you and the baby you are carrying. Do you know it has been determined that babies can hear from the womb and stress has been known to cause early arrivals? By removing yourself from the situation, you will reduce a lot of preventable stress - and, it gives husband the role that is most truly his.

Let’s look at the possibility of your husband feeling scared and insecure - especially if, in your frustration, you are comparing him to a weak piece of candy (licorice stick). Every husband wants to be his family's hero. Imagine how he could be hurting over the potential loss of a second family... just a sense I am expressing. Stay with me ... two household’s with children and a wife who is carrying another baby.

Financial pressure is a man’s nightmare. Many men draw a great deal of their self-concept from how well they provide for their families. In this economy, imagine the added pressure and concern for the future. Countless families across the country share your shoes even as you read this response. You can take the pain of your challenges and use it to reach out to others by volunteering in a safe environment. Seeing how others are hurting more or how others are surviving can help your own outlook. Resources are free at the library and if you have a place of worship, check there as well. If your mortgage payment is late you might try the 995-HOPE hotline or another housing counseling agency if your lender has not responded. Use our budget outline in Blended Family Home Living before you call so you will have an idea of what they will ask you.

Body changes during pregnancy can be difficult to accept. Reminding yourself the changes are temporary as you provide nourishment and shelter for the growing life inside you can help redirect your thoughts of feeling fat. Many men take their cues for intimacy from their wives and he could be sensing your dissatisfaction.

Pornography, in this writer’s opinion, distorts expectations, satisfaction and comfort with sexual relations. As a woman of faith, God created sex to be an enjoyable experience – just read the Song of Solomon. It could be that your husband is turning away from you because he feels ashamed of an area he has ventured into and he might not feel worthy to accept your affection. He could feel worried about hurting the baby. Check your local listings for Family Counseling resources.

From the balcony, I hope you can see both positions - yours and your husbands with a fresh set of eyes and ears. I encourage you to seek professional insights and assistance from your place of worship or a local counselor who has experience in this subject before you allow your thoughts to focus on feelings of betrayal. It is my sincere hope that this has given you some more to think about before you take adverse action.

Create a plan of action and your stress will decrease.

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Dear Stepfamily Strategist,

I am 37 and quite tired of my 13 year old stepdaughter’s eyes rolling or her mouth spouting off about everything I say or do lately; it started the weekend before she came here for six weeks of summer. It is beginning to wear on me and rub off on my 11 year old daughter and I am not feeling too happy. It is also beginning to cause problems between me and my husband. I am beginning to feel like I want out. Is this normal after 18 months of marriage?

Lost in LA.

Dear Lost,

First, "normal" is an unreliable standard in stepfamily living. Variables change family to family because personalities and relationship histories are different. I would encourage you to not to seek what is normal. Instead, make it a goal to define the normal condition of your family’s framework – personalities, bonding styles, likes and dislikes, etc. This will help reduce stress because you are dealing with what is vs. assumptions.

Next, from the balcony view, I share that many children are grumpy in the early days of a custodial transition. This is probably not new information to you but sometimes we overlook the most obvious – does she have space of her own at your house? It could be that she is not only missing her mom, but also her friends! What were you doing at age 13? I was always off at a friend’s house or friends were at mine. Neither of those will be her experience unless you live in the same neighborhood.

Let’s look at rebellion. What is it? In a nutshell it is resisting authority. At 13, SDaughter is probably going through physical changes (biological) as well as emotionally adjusting to her life. This might be somewhat true of your 11 year old, too; girls tend to cycle together. This is an age many kids express a desire to have one steady home location. How did she finish this most recent school year? Has she had a change in her mother’s home environment or her peers?  These are all questions to explore in a non-interrogation type of conversation.

I would personally create a plan of approach with your husband. This requires knowing her moods and triggers, if you have noticed any patterns yet. I would help her understand that choosing to behave in a positive manner will precede feeling positive about things. This influences her state of being and how well she feels and acts. Help her to link the chain of responses and to recognize her power in outcomes.

Braided-Family Tip: I have reminded my own now-grown children most of their lives that their choice to honor their parents honors God’s commandment and ushers in blessability – this they have 100% control over by spending time in prayer and reading the Bible to renew the mind, and through choices about what they see and listen to daily.

In closing, demonstrate to her that she is part of a family body; just as she feels pain when her toe or finger is smashed, so her rolling eyes and verbal darts are to her dad’s and your heart. Family time centered on cards, board games or a walk in a park can help build trust and I encourage you to create positive, shared family memories while you can which can act as an anchor in murky family waters. You are still in the early stages of stepfamily development. Getting out now, unless there is abuse, could be like jumping off a cruise ship before it has left the dock. Storms have a way of adding brilliance to the sunshine if you will look beyond the clouds!  

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Dear Stepfamily Strategist,

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What do you do when your husband's ex-wife is a princess, unable to do anything for herself and who chooses boyfriends from the losers bag? Princess and her boyfriend called and told me they were interested in swinging, if I knew what it was. I entertained the call for a few minutes and tried to politely end the conversation. Later, boyfriend called back and asked me out, saying no one had to know. I think they are trying to stir up more trouble. I am tired of her demanding & harrassing phone calls. I am tired of her calling and criticizing me for taking the kids to the doctor or for helping them with homework - homework she lets slide, by the way. I am tired of bending over backwards during these rediculous phone calls at the expense of my/our peace. When we try to get her and boyfriend to sit down with us, or a counselor, to resolve the issues, she refuses like a child.

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I am stuck in the middle of love and frustration.

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Dear Stuck:

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I will start with the point on which you ended, "...she refuses like child."  When it comes to a demanding, unreasonable biological parent (or stepparent), have you considered that it comes down to maturity and life experience to some degree? A mature mind will live a mature adult life - able to admit error, able to face differences, able to apologize, meet and resolve life's challenges.. If biological mom (BM) has unhealed wounds or emotional issues that have stunted her emotional growth, it could be why she avoids discomfort, fears shame or despises guilt, and has probably not recognized her control over the outcome of her life. Hence, she is likely to be dependent on someone or many people, often unable to change without some help or time to gain knowledge and life experience that will change her perspectives.

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It is not time that heals. It is what we do during the time we have which will facilitate healing or not. When stepmom and divorced husband shut the door by not cooperating, I have found this is when many insecure parents will step up their tales, enhance the victim mentality and try to align her/his children to her/his "side" of the situation. It helps dissolve the bitterness by considering she might be needy having experienced stunted growth in her own emotional maturity. You know what I am saying. We have all said it, “Oh, grow up,” when we witness irrational behavior. What we are really saying is, “Think like I do.” What if both are not on the mark? Time will tell. Time and life experience can improve situations.

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It is deeply hurtful when a lack of knowledge, bitterness or insecurity impacts the children. Left unresolved, it could permeate their adult lives and impact relationships with future generations. Lack of knowledge can be cured in time with mindful efforts. Bitterness and insecurity or fear is revealed in defiance, in avoidance, in the inability to have adult, roundtable discussions where things can be worked out; because they are heart issues, time might not help resolve them. Bitter, insecure people might fear the results of their past choices, what the truth could lead to – the loss of relationships, reduced respect, weakened reputations, or admission of guilt* if they own their past choices. The bottom line is this, when there is poor decision making, there frequently are poor coping skills stemming from natural immaturity or stunted emotional growth. 

Lastly, it is easier to blame someone and make it their fault and their job to make the changes needed than to take responsibility and own the past and be willing to do what has to be done. When they blame others, it becomes someone else's fault and then they don't have to own their decisions.  Have you ever thought of it this way? Taking things less personally can lighten the load of frustration.

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I hope to shine a perspective or two that you might not have considered. I want to encourage you to take a balcony view of your situation. I realized during my own journey as a lifetime stepfamily member, second wife, biological and stepmother, researcher and establishing my specialty planning practice for shared parenting & stepfamily success that it was most often those who challenged me to get out of my “position” and in to a new frame of mind that enabled us to reach our 25^th anniversary with love in our hearts toward each other and our family just as it is. I wish the same success for you, too. Leave the porch light on for the adult-children, too; we do!

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