We have been asked if we are a Christian organization. The best way to answer that is by saying we serve both believers and non-believers. Our faith-based posts are mixed in with general ones, often noted as the Braided Family post. For more about the Braided Family see the link under Resources.
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We also have given definitions to that which our research has tagged the failed divorce and the UNblended stepfamily. Enjoy these timeless posts; some apply today, others to your past, and still others will in the future.  
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We do not have an editor yet, so please excuse any typos or grammatical errors.

Strength and encouragement from our journey to yours, Tricia & Rich Powe

Insecurity creates the fear of the truth.
Insecurity creates the fear of the truth for fear that the truth will cause us to face some type of rejection or loss; in reality the truth sets us and those we love free. That is not to say there are not consequences for past choices, but healing happens best when the ointment of truth is applied.
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When it has been dealt with it's shock is rendered powerless. Until then, the past matters and keeps the hurt moving forward; its grip remains. Motive matters. Your focal point back then was yourself. Today, with life experience, a different outlook and understanding are yours.

Fear can create the very thing about which we are afraid. The denial of the truth cheats one of the very thing he or she hopes for. Denial of the truth can cause stress which leads to emotional and physical illness. Furthermore, prolonged stress and anxiety can impact your adrenal system.
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This, in turn, can impact moods and the efficiency of body systems. Depression can result. Measure your circumstances to the amount of stress you, your children and spouse might be feeling. If you are struggling to cope, continue to reach out for resources, consider visiting a mental health professional to help you navigate the situation, too, if anyone begins to feel overwhelmed. It can also hurt those who have been lied about, as they face the constant, undercurrent of injustice and unfairness of the situation created by being lied about.
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PART B:
Same thing only different: Another parent shares about the depression unemployment has invited into his family.
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Like the stress of past lies and the truth still being denied years later, could the continued stress of unemployment and underemployment be the source of one's depression in unemployed and underemployed cases? It is hard for many parents right now who can't see a way out of the current crisis - whether it is related to a past of lies or present financial stress related to unemployment or underemployment.
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The kaleidoscope of chaos in our denied emotions or suppressed feelings of anger or frustration gets us out of focus, rendering us less humorous, less connected, less emotionally available to our spouses and family members. Listen, beating up self only slows down healing. No matter how long we have believed God, everyone falls short of perfection in so many ways.
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To conclude, I encourage you to research adrenal fatigue. You might be surprised about what you learn and it may very well help you be a better spouse, parent or stepparent, as well as treating yourself with greater forgiveness and patience.
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For our Braided Families:
The key is recognizing He is the God of restoration and we have the scriptures to guide and comfort us. The term “Let go and let God” takes on a new and very significant meaning because it allows us to release those fears and concerns to the sovereign One.


The God of restoration.

We are all called to the ministry of reconciliation. It is difficult to become reconciled when guilt related to these suppressed feelings or untreated chemical imbalances are standing between you and the times of refreshing available through God’s amazing grace. All you can to is your personal best and it is enough. Reach out. Do your part. It is up to others to respond, refuse, reject or deny. Once facts are reconciled, restoration is more likely to occur.

Amazing grace.

Give thanks for the grace that abounds to you from God and then be still and listen. Practice being still before God and continue in your stillness until you have heard from Him. He makes His reality known to those who consistently pursue Him - those who willfully seek Him.

Seek – what does this word mean? When we are seeking a treasure - a dropped diamond ring in the sand at a beach, for example - we give it our all and we go after it! Read Jeremiah and Deuteronomy and seek Him. 

A longer response than usual is applied. Get your coffee.

Christians are expressing their struggles, too.  We refer to households headed by one or more believers as the Braided Family-tm (A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. See Ephesians 4.)  This post is for you.

It is no surprise to those who study the Bible that times will be so difficult many will fall away from their faith. Family struggles are among the most painful.

Many are feeling guilty about their conflicting feelings about God - whether or not He hears, wants to answer them, will answer them. Feelings are unreliable. Feelings change. Feelings are not good behind the driver's wheel of life! God does hear, wants to answer and always will - but not always the way we want.

Take the promises that are yours and aim to understand that God IS your strength.  Our job is not to rely on our strength nor to respond on our own, but to be empowered to overcome through Him. See 2 Cor 12:9.

Many Christians think the Mountain Top is to be their daily experience when really it is just the filling station that gives us the gas to travel the valley so we can share the faith and hope with those we meet. Isn't part of our purpose in life to be His hands and His feet? Part of the preparation and our ability to comfort others is to know what it means to struggle, to be in lack, to not be able to provide for those we love, to ... to ... to ... [fill in the blank]. The mountain top is only part of the Christian experience.

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Part B:
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The key to overcoming is to choose to love God above all things - more than your troubles, more than your sorrows and above even your highest joys! Our joy can make us quite self-centered, just like our struggles because we take our focal point off God - who is He is our lives.
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Ask for forgiveness when you find you haven't, and never give up; He hears you and is faithful. Our trials make us able to comfort others when we are shaped by them, not embittered by them. Seek His still, small voice. We will choose our direction by that which we believe. Knock on His door through prayer that is like the breath we breathe; it is part of what we do to live.

We are taught to capture our thoughts in 2 Corinthians – why? Because our thoughts are wind in our life sails connected to out hearts which are the rudders of our lives. The quality of your rudder is tied to the maintenance you give it.
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Last year I shared fairly often that the mind processes and the heart feels. Science compares the mind to a computer, but outcomes will be different because computers do not have hearts and input is different for everyone. Do thoughts of what is going on in the world or the Word start and end or your day?

God has not left you, God has not abandoned you.
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He is the same today as He was in the recorded times of the Bible, and the time before that – He is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient. Modern day psychology is behind the wisdom of God and is simply catching up to the Bible's living word.  
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Part C
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Putting your trust in God is your own psychological and spiritual permission to self to let God work through you. Trust helps you throw aside that which is getting in the way. Trust says you are going to cast away doubt. Trust says you are going to stay in the Word and make effort to pray. Trust says you are going to look at Him more than your troubles. Trust is more often a choice than a feeling. . .

She wants her stepchild to stop biting her children. Her mama bear spine has stiffened to protect her cubs. On the other hand, there is a cub in her den possibly feeling abandoned by her own mother, or jealous that daddy bear has new cubs to love. Mama bear feels compassionate and is not sure what she should do.

Stepparenting presents a vast range of appropriateness. What is best in one family's home is not in another. Remember these three p's in a pod: Personalities, perceptions, and the need to protect present different relationship dynamics to every blend.

Adding some clarity to the strategy in the last post, speaking with your daughter-in-step could bear the best results if her father is willing to be the one sitting on the floor playing the game or coloring with her for this discussion. Listen, men who are engaged in their parenting roles guide and discuss matters just as well with their children as women. Yes, this is true.
 
StepfamilySystems does not agree with women who think they alone have what it takes to make the family work because husbands are somehow less able to parent. Granted, some dads struggle. If they are apprehensive, some faithful  encouragement - no nagging, mind you - could build your couple relationship and reduce the behavior of stepdaughter by increasing her confidence that daddy loves and cares for her deeply.

Your StepfamilySystems Strategy Team member can brainstorm with you during your planning benefit appointment. Stepmoms with children do well to remember overstepping has consequences - that is another post!

Stepkids who hurt their stepsiblings are often not discovered to be a threat until the "I do's" have been said. Before that time, while they probably still wanted mom and dad together, your relationship with their parent was temporary. Perhaps, they were trying to break it up and you felt it would pass.

One parent shares, "I don't know if this will pass or not. I don't even know if it will get worse but wish I did know when it was going to be better than it is today. My stepdaughter bites my kids when she gets angry, but thankfully, not our baby. She is not a toddler - she's eight! ..."

Always consider locating and consulting a therapist professional when you have mental health concerns for your family members. Two things stand out to me.

First is her anger. I learned years ago that anger is a response to an unmet need or expectation most often. Doesn't that make sense? Identify the need or expectation and you'll lower the incidents as you teach her to recognize thoughts or ideas that would cause pain when acted upon. At age eight, you can sit down for short periods to discuss how she felt or was thinking at the time she bites - "What?" you might be thinking, "Are you kidding me? She is biting my child!" I know, the initial response is to protect your children. 

While you want and need to keep the kids safe, this little one shares the nest with yours now, too. My thoughts, based on very limited information, leaves me to wonder if she is not feeling as connected to the family, or does her position change from mom's house to dad's house? Specifically, is she the youngest child at her mom's, used to getting her way? . . . just a few thoughts for your consideration. Could she be giving thought to the fact that her stepsiblings get to live with her daddy every day?

Second, it appears that she is biting her stepsiblings but not her half-sibling which she might perceive to be closer to her heart, if I understand correctly. Now, whether or not that is because the baby is smaller, or your stepdaughter recognizes a blood-connection is important to understand, but doesn't change the need to correct her behavior. No matter what the underlying causes are, her wounds are real and you have a great opportunity to help her acquire coping skills as she learns to sense her own feelings which trigger the urge to bite.

A suggested strategy if you choose this path on your own rather than exploring it with a therapist, is to spend some time reading parenting resources, locating parenting classes, and approaching her on her level - sit on the floor with her, draw or color pictures while you chat, etc. Try to see her as a wounded bird with broken wings: http://www.stepfamilysystems.com/2010.05.01_arch.html . Of course, we hope you will come and SAM Plan with us. Open enrollment means you do not have to wait until next year.

If you want some help locating a therapist, send your request to: CustomerCare@StepfamilySystems.com

No Cost Q & A Support returns to serve as your Holiday Helper!

In our absence due to job & income transitions and a residential relocation, visits to the Q & A remained active. While we read every E-mail, we cannot personally respond to all of them. However, during Thanksgiving and the December holidays (Christmas for us), send your questions and comments to:

ATTN: Dear Delrose & Stepfamily Strategist in the subject line
StraightTalk@StepfamilySystems.com

and we are doing our best to get back to everyone within three days with a response filled with tips, insights and additional, suggested resources. Caring for your journey,

Tricia Powe - Mediator-Strategist
& Delrose - our mysterious & wise Port Hills resident from A Richter Blend - Shared Parenting & Stepfamily Chronicles

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[Faith-based entry] We had several hundred people ready for the 90-days to More Lovin' Challenge, perhaps more!  While we complete program updates, try this in the meantime!
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This post is directed to Braided Families, but anyone can do it and reap huge benefits! For those who want to read a description of the Braided Family, see our Braided Families Page. As you move your mouse over the menu, you will see it pop up.
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Choose a different fruit of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control - one each over the next nine days. Define it. Pray about it. Concentrate on it. Word search the Bible for its use. Make index cards and use sticky notes. Have fun with it. Make yours for the day! Feel it at work in you!
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Enjoy! And while you are at it, visit CafeSmom's blog for a free download of Self-Affirmation Cards. She heard one of my guest spots earlier this year - Stepmom's Tool Box with Peggy and Erin. Heather took the concept I have used to help reach 25 years of marriage and gave it beautiful face-lift! I use dingy old index cards and with her kind heart, she put in some time to provide you with this gift: http://wordpress.cafesmom.com/?p=279. Perfect example of one person seed planting, another watering and yet another seeing the fruit at harvest. Thanks, Heather! [If you have any trouble with the download, contact Heather directly]
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Enjoy working on one of those nine fruits over the next nine days. I hope to hear some great reports! ~ Tricia, Serving many for One.

You might want coffee and a pastry for this one: 
Keep in mind there are exceptions to things, so give me some wiggle room, please.
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I share from the perspective of being a stepfamily member all my life, together with years of research, and certifications in Divorce Mediation (Mosten, Los Angeles, 1998) and Philanthropy (Dr. Jim Erickson, La Sierra Univeristy's Center for Philanthropy 2009). 
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I have been asked if I am truly as optimistic and happy as I portray online. Yes, I am. The brief bio is posted on the website - I "get it" from having lived it, not only reading books or hearsay. 
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Believe me, we all make mistakes along the way in our co-parenting journeys. Many stepmoms and parents, alike, find themselves frustrated. Emotional peace for me has meant being quick to own my part in things gone wrong - I have done things with the right motive but the wrong method of application!  Owning your part and being forgiving is the best you can do. Just because you are willing to step up does not mean anyone else will; watch your expectations!
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I spent years trying to fix our dual-household relationships, but my efforts made things worse! Through conversational research and most recently through our website surveys, it was confirmed that until a hurting parent or stepparent realizes and accepts things and decides he/she is ready for change, there probably isn't going to be any true peace.
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When all the parties are willing to come to the table, lay down the bitter-hatchet, be honest and actually want peace for themselves and to restore what their bitterness has stolen from their children, that is when you can move forward in new and wonderful ways to enjoy the future years together and more fully.  
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I came to FB in 2009 to start a chat venue to facilitate stronger blended family relationships and decrease the risks of divorce faced by second and subsequent marriages. However, I found one known as ES already in the works. No need to compete, so I contribute to it and participate as a grown child of divorce, a stepchild and stepmom myself, as well as having two biological children in our unblended crew of five.
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UNblended? Yes. Not all stepfamilies blend but that does not mean the marriage has to end.
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A Family Focal Points Corner point I share with stepmoms on a regular basis is that they will fair much better in their roles when they truly see the stepmom role as a complementary one rather than a competition. Competing through unnecessary comparisons or with constant put-downs of biological mom brings everyone down.
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It doesn't mean you will ever have a breakthrough with biological mom, but you know you are doing your best. Listen to your self-talk - it influences how you feel and what you say. The words we speak with constantly impact how we feel. How we feel impacts our choices. Our choices impact ourselves and those we love. Words mean things.

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To support families of the Christian faith, I started a FB group called Braided Families Stepfamily Group on FB. Over the past couple of weeks, I have noticed some strong angst between biological and step moms in some areas oline.
Last night I tried to make a point that no mother likes to feel usurped, disrespected or negated by stepmom – especially when they might already be wrestling with guilt or shame from past mistakes. 
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Most stepmoms must wrestle with support role they fill and >>accepted<< when they said, “I do”. Unfortunately, many stepmoms, have a hard time with the title of “step”, its definition and unclear parameters; left unchecked, it can be the downfall of marriages where former spouses are blamed for the subsequent divorce. No, each adult has choices to make and attitudes they take.
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Today, I am addressing an attitude of respect – or lack of it – toward our previously married, dear husbands (DH). Since 1990, I have emphasized thought life and its emotions, and self-talk as the key to success and failure of stepfamilies. I evidence this in the Alienation series on the Q & A/Blog's older posts in Feb/March as well as in the “A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles” series.
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The Alienation series and "A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles" have wrought E-mail from men and women saying they were brought to tears, or squeezed by one emotion or another. Regarding the mind - who can capture it? YOU can and it is the key to your peace and pleasure, and enjoyment in marriage and as a blended family. Even where alienation behaviors have caused untold damage, the battle for success is won or lost in how we process life. The mind processes and the heart, the seat of our emotions, feels. Litigation works on the legal aspects of co-parenting, but healing and peace are won from the inside. That's where we are unique, set apart since 2005's experiential website launched.
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Stepmoms, specifically, I implore you to make your marriage the focus of your efforts. Not one husband have I met who did not feel disrespected when his wife has gone against his wishes - especially where his ex-wife and children are concerned. Some women step up because they are married to kind, non-confrontational men. Who knows, if you will step back long enough, he will step up where you have pushed him aside. More on this in Family Focal Points Corner.
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I urge you to put that energy into your marriage & home environment where you have control; make it the place your family enjoys creating shared family memories - a cornerstone of the ACES: Shared Parenting & Stepfamily Assimilation Mgt. Plan.
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Assimilation with us means to bring each family member into the unit.
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You can win an award for your supportive role - it is not a small thing! Long term results will be in favor of your marriage... food for thought. For more, subscribe to our Step Family Focal Points Corner. 831/2010: Trial subscriptions available with the purchase of Family Selections Menus.

~Tricia, President
Mediator, StepfamilySystems.com
Creative Director, A Richter Blend Stepfamily Chronicles
Columnist (waiting for photo upload repairs) Riverside Blended Families Examiner

StepfamilySystems.com: A bird's eye view

About our other programs:

We are:

1. Independent Researcher (Creater of ACES: Shared Parenting and Stepfamily Focal Points, 1990


2. Divorce Mediation Certification (ABA-approved course, Mosten Mediation, Los Angeles, 1998)


3. Certification in Philanthropy and Development (La Sierra University's School of Business, Center for Philanthropy, 2009)

After posting the recap of my stepfamily's journey, I was asked if it was okay to tell the children "the truth of the situation". This is a loaded question, but I will explain my opinion. Like many parents whose former spouses were unfaithful or exceedingly unkind & abusive, a divorced husband (DH) was deeply hurting over unjustified rejection and ill-treatment by his children who do not know the truth about the break up of their parents marriage. His former wife (FW) has not come to terms with the consequences of her past choices and wants to "leave the past alone". (Self-protection is a natural response when we feel threatened, but it does not justify cover-ups that harm others.)
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My research has found that it is the unfaithful or bitter parent who acts out against the other parent the most often, especially when the parent they divorced finds new love and remarries first. It is as though bitterness, guilt or jealousy switch flips, driving them to the brink of imbalance.
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Perhaps it is fear of being blamed for the family's break-up or called a bad parent that they feel they must denigrate the appearance of their children's other parent in the eyes of their friends, family, and children. This is a common thread among those who have shared their stories with me for over 28 years, since people started cautioning me about the woes of remarriage with children.
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In an effort to drive distance of self-protection between the children and their other parent, an alienating (or programming) parent often hopes to keep their past choices in the dark. They often create an alliance with the children through subtle put-downs or outright denigration efforts toward the other parent/stepparent. After a while, through consistent efforts, many children buy into the denigration campaign. How could a healthy, loving parent justify such behavior? How could they steal the love of the other parent from their children? 
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Remember, parental alienation behaviors are gender neutral.  In the above case, for example, DH had been willing to go into marital counseling and do whatever was necessary to keep the family together. The children live primarily with their mother and she has not told the truth about the break up of the marriage. Instead, she has allowed them to speak the mistruths as though they were fact. His children have been treating him as though all the difficulties they have gone through are his or his new wife's fault. He wants to speak up and have equal grounds for an on-going relationship with the children he loves. 
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>>The question, "I want to tell my children the truth, should I?" In the 1980s, all the therapists were of the opinon we needed to keep things from the children. After finding an online essay written by one of my stepchildren in high school, I say yes. Children should know the truth but not be given a flood of inappropriate details.
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Certainly, the information needs to be presented in an age-appropriate manner, AND I suggest if you don't use our planning services to overcome your challenges, you might try contacting a therapist and presenting the information to the child with all parents and stepparents present. Especially, when a large amount of time has passed, making disclosure can be more difficult for one or both parents.
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Having a therapist present can help everyone process the information more effectively and can lessen the risk for an out-of-control situation arising. In the 1980s we were advised to "keep the children out of the middle" – however, that route has been a disservice to many non-custodial parents. As the years have gone by, enabling one parent to adversely influence how the children feel, the damages related to being given only one parent's interpretation was already done. It is sort of like giving one parent a stick and a yard glove and the other a metal bat and Rawlings Glove for the same baseball game.
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Alienation behaviors are child abuse. They rob children of a relationship with their other parent and set the children up to wrestle with feelings of abandonment or rejection, and self-worth. Guilty feeling might even plague them if they later realize how poorly an imperfect, but committed parent was treated. These are sentences they could carry for the rest of their lives. 
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Some adult-children and their target-parents navigate reconnection, but the lost years are history. They now have the opportunity to create a new future! 
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You are invited to participate in the StepfamilySystems Stepfamily Co-parenting Research Survey project.  You have voice here. Speak out loud through the report on the results of our project (no individuals will be named). ~Tricia 

Never stop hoping. Own your past, present and future choices. Self-educate, find support (plug here for SAM Pplanning with StepfamilySystems, of course! You will benefit from making the changes you can, letting go of what you cannot, and - never stop hoping. If you have not participated in the Stepfamily Satisfaction Survey, please do. Sound families create a sound country. ~Tricia