The Child Watching© 1990, Patricia Hope Powe, all rights reserved
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Instead of feeling hideously sick at the thought of talking to your ex-spouse, instead of wishing his breaks to fail – think of the child watching. 
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Instead of total anger and loathsome resentment, deep hatred and deadly bitterness – think of the child watching.  See his blue, brown or green eyes, her long straight or curly hair; look at them and think of the good times you once shared.  
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Yes, you were together and out of your union a child, pure, sweet and innocent was born. Your son’s identity is found in the two of you. While you continue to hate and feud, yelling ugly and vile things, your daughter sits on her bed, ears plugged, rocking back and forth, ALONE in her room. 
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After the fighting on the porch, the car gone mad and doors have slammed, after the arguing to each get your way, everyone is found tense at the end of the day. After you have gone to bed and you are soundly sleeping, your son lays in the dark, wiping away tears – quietly weeping. 
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As the clock ticks hours away, your daughter wonders why she was ever born. She longs to give and receive abundant love but she knows there are conditions and her loyalties are unfairly torn. 
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Every child deserves it – to unconditionally show and be given mother’s and father’s love and to know limitless laughter. Yet, this son and daughter, knowing none, are contemplating the life hereafter.  
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Please, please think of your children’s hearts, their minds and smiles and love them more than you loathe your ex-mate. One day they will be grown up and gone; you want them filled with confidence and love not uncertainties and hate.  
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When you feel the urge to rant and rave, and in those moments you wished your ex was in a grave, and when you are pumping that child for information – stop! You are only hurting your child with your interrogation.
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When you look into your child’s face and find you are filled with anger and bordering on rage – think of the child watching … wanting to run away and escape. 
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You see, in this existence we call life, we often get just what we expect. Begin now – choose now – to capture your thoughts and you direct their path. Make a new road for your child and yourself; create a life path that leads to wholeness and happiness, and one of endless spiritual wealth.  
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Get off the selfish highways of “not his, but MY way” and seek to make your child’s world a better place. Step out of your circumstances and into his for a while, lest you, otherwise, find yourself mourning the loss of your child.
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Bitterness will churn your insides while drawing you in to dwell on the unfairness of your pain; I'm warning you, he won't let go until he gets you to act in haste. The feelings he calls forth will eventually join his cohorts Anger and Fear. They will side against you and throw you into the flaming arms of Hatred, and use your son to cloud love that once was clear.
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They will chide and poke you when you do not get your way. They will penetrate your thoughts to become a raging cascade. You just want the other parent gone, "That's it!" you said. "I'm done!"
It's not really you or your ex-spouse that Bitterness, Anger, Fear and Hatred are after, its your daughter and son...

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   There are more stories to personify the feelings that arise in co-parenting and stepfamily life in  the Parental Alienation Short Stories, a random series which can be found in the menu near "A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles" presently and exclusively published on StepfamilySystems.com. Look for more in the next premiere season of Blended Family Home Living in fall 2011.  I am working on completing a movie script started in the 90s. Alzheimer's paid my family a costly visit which delayed its completion.. It has always been my passion to draw attention to the unseen battle of stepfamily and shared-parenting living gone awry through creative measures expressed artistically.  Stepfamily and co-parenting support does not have to be boring or presented in clinical settings exclusively.
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Please note, member subscriptions to access Step Family Focal Points Corner must be processed by the 15th of each month in order to process access codes for the 1st of the following month.
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~Tricia

StepfamilySystems.com: A bird's eye view

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Our detailed vision and goal of increasing satisfaction with shared parenting lifestyles includes our specialty Shared Parenting & Stepfamily (SAM) planning with moms, dads, and stepparents. Who takes a journey without a plan and their map to guide their trek? Our services were born out of need and, for many, will create the link that has been missing in their efforts to reduce stress and conflict.
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Stepfamily Assimilation and Shared-Parenting Management Planning - SAM for short - inherently results in reducing the risk factors of academic neglect in a child's journey toward adulthood and aims to decrease at-risk behaviors which add pressure to stepfamily homes.
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Our service hallmark and most unique support program is provided through specialty stories we write and publish exclusively on StepfamilySystems.com, A Richter Blend,  Shared Parenting and Stepfamily Chronicles and Parental Alienation Short Stories.  Each story is different but the families of A Richter Blend share the fictitious town of Port Hills. 
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Place your cursor on the stories tab in the menu and enjoy finding a character that represents you or someone you know co-parenting after divorce or remarriage. The series continues for subscribing members is paired with articles from financial planners, attorneys, mediators, therapists and authors, family fun and activities ideas, children's (7 - 12) and youth (13 - 17) areas, too. 
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These true-to-life stories, will ride the inherent waves of challenge faced by blended-families and shared-parenting households with the support tips and suggestions written in to the story lines. Some are single parent, divorced/remarried parents and stepparents struggling to find a way to make co-raising kids from two different homes easier and without constant conflict. There are many hopeful and positive moments laced through the series to redirect thoughts of war and discontentment to thoughts of hope and peace. 
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The Stepfamily Chronicles and Parental Alienation stories personify Bitterness and her cohorts, Hatred and Fear. Among others, they demonstrate the unseen challenges of uncaptured thoughts and the need for directing your thought lives and self-talk. We do not simply tell you what can help, throughout the stories we show readers how apply strategies.
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They give you bird's eye views into the minds and hearts of the characters. This is the unseen battlefield of stepfamily and shared-parenting wars highlighted in results of our early research in our six-week series presented the first time in 1990 at a private elementary school and Riverside Community College in 1991.
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The stories at "A Richer Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles" are a novel in constant motion or for those who watch daytime/primetime series, the resemble General Hospital with fantasy, and Blue Bloods or 24 with drama. They will irk you, cause you to shake your head in agreement or frustration and possibly move you to reach for a Kleenex tissue and to share with your friends. To open dialogue between friends and family is one of the goals for production.
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About our other programs:

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It is important that you match your needs to the qualifications of the service providers you choose. We leave no stone unturned during the SAM planning process - where stepfamilies begin or can begin again. We cover the benefits/drawbacks of peer support, coaches, mediators and therapists. We are uniquely positioned at the starting line for your blended family journey and to travel with you as long as you desire. Having a comprehensive SAM Plan in place will reduce the risks of facing new litigation or of subsequent divorce.

Through independent research, by 1990 it was discovered, for a host of many reasons such as cost, and a distrust of mental health services that many people would not obtain traditional support for their stepfamily and shared parenting woes. They shunned psychological counseling and they leaned on the outcomes of stories shared by friends and family. We found still others who simply suffered in silence and faced certain divorce over many preventable issues.
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Many were caught in painful circumstances being fuelled by adversarial family law systems. Stepping In for Successful Blended Family Living was developed in San Bernardino County, CA and SAM Planning was born to fill the gap. 16 years later we managed an experiential run of StepfamilySystems.com and introduced specialty consulting and the idea of creating a single stepfamily resources database. Today, it is not difficult to find a quality therapist with both personal and professional experience working with stepfamily members.
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We are:

Mediation-based SAM Planning/Consulting not mental health services. You determine the level of our involvement. As noted, we are mediation-based (ABA-Approved course, Mosten Mediation, 1998), planning and strategy focused. 

Solutions minded: While we cannot avoid addressing and acknowledging past experiences, we focus on today's choices as the foundation for your journey tomorrow, because we are solutions minded.

Short-term, as needed: There are no long-term commitments. Subscribing members find help and cost-savings through group rates. Customized options are also available. 

Client directed, not therapist guided. Children do not come with personalized guides, but your stepfamily can have its personalized plan for mapping success whether you are just beginning or beginning again.

To the Point. For us to know what your needs are, you are encouraged to communicate. We understand work schedules and family activities and we make E-assistance available to meet your scheduling needs. E-assistance or phone communication comes with most orders in our service shoppe. 

Affordable, cost-effective: Could you redirect $10 of your weekly spending just for 16 weeks to reach a better place to be the champion of your family while also helping others? That's right, a portion of our proceeds go back into the company to futher programs development. Write to Schools@StepfamilySystems.com for more information.
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We have been recognized in two Who's Who publications (1994, Sterling's and 2006, Manchester) for our innovative approach to stepfamily and shared-parenting support. Come, plan with us. Why journey without your map for success? We have been a quiet undercurrent pulling stepfamily and coparenting care to a new level. One day we plan to emerge as the leader.

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I wish you the best in your quest for stepfamily and shared-parenting success,

Tricia Powe, the Stepfamily Strategist

1. Independent Researcher (Creater of ACES: Shared Parenting and Stepfamily Focal Points, 1990


2. Divorce Mediation Certification (ABA-approved course, Mosten Mediation, Los Angeles, 1998)


3. Certification in Philanthropy and Development (La Sierra University's School of Business, Center for Philanthropy, 2009)

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After posting the recap of my stepfamily's journey, I was asked if it was okay to tell the children "the truth of the situation". This is a loaded question, but I will explain my opinion. Like many parents whose former spouses were unfaithful or exceedingly unkind & abusive, a divorced husband (DH) was deeply hurting over unjustified rejection and ill-treatment by his children who do not know the truth about the break up of their parents marriage. His former wife (FW) has not come to terms with the consequences of her past choices and wants to "leave the past alone". (Self-protection is a natural response when we feel threatened, but it does not justify cover-ups that harm others.)
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My research has found that it is the unfaithful or bitter parent who acts out against the other parent the most often, especially when the parent they divorced finds new love and remarries first. It is as though bitterness, guilt or jealousy switch flips, driving them to the brink of imbalance.
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Perhaps it is fear of being blamed for the family's break-up or called a bad parent that they feel they must denigrate the appearance of their children's other parent in the eyes of their friends, family, and children. This is a common thread among those who have shared their stories with me for over 28 years, since people started cautioning me about the woes of remarriage with children.
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In an effort to drive distance of self-protection between the children and their other parent, an alienating (or programming) parent often hopes to keep their past choices in the dark. They often create an alliance with the children through subtle put-downs or outright denigration efforts toward the other parent/stepparent. After a while, through consistent efforts, many children buy into the denigration campaign. How could a healthy, loving parent justify such behavior? How could they steal the love of the other parent from their children? 
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Remember, parental alienation behaviors are gender neutral.  In the above case, for example, DH had been willing to go into marital counseling and do whatever was necessary to keep the family together. The children live primarily with their mother and she has not told the truth about the break up of the marriage. Instead, she has allowed them to speak the mistruths as though they were fact. His children have been treating him as though all the difficulties they have gone through are his or his new wife's fault. He wants to speak up and have equal grounds for an on-going relationship with the children he loves. 
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>>The question, "I want to tell my children the truth, should I?" In the 1980s, all the therapists were of the opinon we needed to keep things from the children. After finding an online essay written by one of my stepchildren in high school, I say yes. Children should know the truth but not be given a flood of inappropriate details.
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Certainly, the information needs to be presented in an age-appropriate manner, AND I suggest if you don't use our planning services to overcome your challenges, you might try contacting a therapist and presenting the information to the child with all parents and stepparents present. Especially, when a large amount of time has passed, making disclosure can be more difficult for one or both parents.
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Having a therapist present can help everyone process the information more effectively and can lessen the risk for an out-of-control situation arising. In the 1980s we were advised to "keep the children out of the middle" – however, that route has been a disservice to many non-custodial parents. As the years have gone by, enabling one parent to adversely influence how the children feel, the damages related to being given only one parent's interpretation was already done. It is sort of like giving one parent a stick and a yard glove and the other a metal bat and Rawlings Glove for the same baseball game.
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Alienation behaviors are child abuse. They rob children of a relationship with their other parent and set the children up to wrestle with feelings of abandonment or rejection, and self-worth. Guilty feeling might even plague them if they later realize how poorly an imperfect, but committed parent was treated. These are sentences they could carry for the rest of their lives. 
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Some adult-children and their target-parents navigate reconnection, but the lost years are history. They now have the opportunity to create a new future! 
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You are invited to participate in the StepfamilySystems Stepfamily Co-parenting Research Survey project.  You have voice here. Speak out loud through the report on the results of our project (no individuals will be named). ~Tricia 

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As I sat outside in the cool of the morning, the birds were fluttering in playful flight in and around the trees and grass. My mind was sent back to a moment my daughter shared with me not too long ago which involved the 92-year-old man that lived here from 1963 until we moved in on our 23rd wedding anniversary in 2008. His age led me to rethink our family's 25-year journey and to reflect on the hope we cling to to override the pain of the lost years with two of my stepchildren.
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I have heard many who say things will never get better. In some cases this will be true. In others, life events over the course of time can bring a change of heart and attitude. Fact is, until the other parent/s are ready to have peace, you are not going to have it between households. Where you CAN have it is in your own heart and home. That is where you do have power over outcome, as much as it is up to you to do your best.
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Your thoughts are your adversary often times. Capture those and call them into line with where you want to be as a family and you are more likely to get there.
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Never stop hoping. Own your past, present and future choices. Self-educate, find support (plug here for SAM Pplanning with StepfamilySystems, of course! You will benefit from making the changes you can, letting go of what you cannot, and - never stop hoping. If you have not participated in the Stepfamily Satisfaction Survey, please do. Sound families create a sound country. ~Tricia